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girlnamedstella
11 October 2015 @ 08:39 pm



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girlnamedstella
04 November 2010 @ 12:11 am
 So many things have happened, it seems. 

But in reality, I think it's actually quite steady. An even pace leading up to the great jump into infinity that will be life in real time. 

Being an adult and having a job. Whew. What a mind fuck. 
I will shoot for getting a car. Maybe spend my last summer in duluth, who knows. I may just get enough where I can swing both. 
I don't want to be here. Ever. At all. Old News.

My therapist really wants me to start rounds of EMDR therapy to graciously help my PTSD.
So that might be my summer plan.

But that's life, isn't it.

Work is exactly that. 
I wouldn't mind working in food service over it, honestly.
Closing is so tedious and stupid. I just walk around aimlessly shifting clothes and fixing zippers. Plus the store is freezing.
I am always tired. 

But this muppet boy. 
It's strange how effortless it all is. I'm so used to working my ass off to receive any form of validation from anyone. Maybe it's the fact he looks exactly like Opus, but boy does he endlessly cater to me. 
I have nothing to complain about.

School is easy and rewarding.
I'm getting paid this Friday. 

I wish I could validate my depression at the moment, I really do.

But in the mean time, I think I'll just keep drawing.
I'm working on my tattoo design right now. I hope to have one by christmas. 
 
 
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
 
 
 
girlnamedstella
20 September 2010 @ 10:49 pm
 

I haven't felt this productive. Ever.

I've applied for two colleges. Another soon to follow. 
Got my ACT shit wrapped and ready for the 23rd of October.
I am making things happen.

I'm still wary. 
Still at odds about how I feel about myself, and other things.
But I feel amidst all this productive energy that I will be more happy knowing I am getting ahead.

Until winter destroys that. w/e

Holy fuck I am playing therapist for 20 people.
When did that happen.
 
 
Current Mood: artisticartistic
 
 
 
girlnamedstella
04 August 2010 @ 10:46 pm
 </lj-embed>

I'm just going to boil this down to the word fuck and move on. 
 
 
 
Current Mood: angryangry
 
 
 
girlnamedstella
30 May 2010 @ 04:48 pm


Today was a wind up toy. Or a music box.
Every night before bed I go over how exactly I'm supposed to fall through the material surrounding me and fly out of here.
It's beautiful. I'm ready. I'm history.

---
 

Every player is represented.

"I'd say rip it out of him. He really did mean to kill us that day."

I looked into him, blankly.
"You mean you, He was after you."

"Don't pull that, we're the same damn thing. If one of us was compromised we would both be done."

I looked at him again, all too aware. His hair had grown back in full since he had been poorly shaved since the summer, his face had filled out as well, his eyes darker.

"I think we grew up a lot." I said.

"Don't change the subject."

---

"The Rosemary is coming back. Along with the book, bird, and the false matador."

Marvolus peered at Amphi, then returned to watch the waves crashing outside dismally. His chin resting in his palm, his breathing shallow.

"I already know." He blinked. "Please tell me you have something better."

Amphi folded his arms. Flicking his neck to get the hair away from his eyes. The corner of his mouth twitched a little, it was obvious the presence of the other was annoying them.

"So do you have any plans?" He asked. "You have a small window for how long the western gate is going to stay open. Perhaps you could use that bastard Caligula to get at them..." He paused, "Instead of waiting out this farce and sulking."

"I don't have to take criticism from a wind up toy." Marvolus' eyes darted hatefully toward him, Amphi maintained his limber unassuming posture. "I don't care if you've landed punches on Matador, you don't have the nerve or the calcified spine."

"I could kill Rosemary." Amphi blurted. "I've already killed That brother of Ulysses- Dogwood. All you have to do is tell me what you need of me and I'll do it."

"You didn't do a damn lick of anything on the Eve." Marvolus scoffed. "I don't care how many family members you murder. I had Matador, Rosemary, and his prize pony under my thumb and you let that goddamn blonde ruin my chance."

"You want me to kill Cora for you?" Amphi asked unbelieving.

"That's not what I meant you literal void."

Amphi paused while Marvolus turned in his chair, opening up his oak desk drawers and looking through them, mumbling inaudibly.
"You would have me kill every dreamer in the world on their last leg to get what you want. It's just by my good graces I don't turn you to clay and ashes again."

He pulled a long tattered yellow rag from the corner of the drawer. It was very old and dirty, presumably from some long lost item, a treasured gift, as it was soft as soft got.

"Hold out your arm."

Amphi sighed, his head dropping at the sight of the thin strand. He rolled up his right sleeve sadly, slowly offering his stony lithe limb.

"I hope one day you'll fulfill your promise to me." Amphi whispered. "I'd like this to be a laughable memory one day. Something I can remember before I die for the last time."

Marvolus tied the rag just above the bend of his arm, like a tourniquet. And at once, he fell to the ground, his already smashed pair of glasses falling out of the frame. No part of his frame moved, he was immobilized completely.

"Kill my own son." Marvolus scoffed, ignoring Amphi's lifeless form as he turned back to his desk, pulling out a thin box with a winding element. He turned the knob over and over, whistling to himself until it would turn no more. He opened the box slowly, hearing it's beautiful song begin as the little dancers inside began to turn and swivel on their tiny tracks.

He began to sing quietly,

Des Yeux Qui Font Baisser Les Miens
Un Rire Qui Se Perd Sur Sa Bouche
Voila Le Portrait Sans Retouche
De L'homme Auguel J'appartiens...



Quand Il Me Prend Dans Ses Bras,
Il Me Parle Tout Bas
Je Vois La Vie En Rose...


"No," He thought. "Of course I have a plan."
...
 
 
 
girlnamedstella
24 May 2010 @ 04:59 pm
 
Last full week of school. Been doing a lot of the bullshit run around stuff to get my grades and everything in order. As of now, I am not failing anything so I am hoping that nothing gets put into the grade book that could do me any injustice. I'm thinking my last anatomy test might put me in the red. He offered extra credit today that was showing our dissected cat to freshman, but seeing as how I have managed not to have to touch it thus far, why start? 

It's weird this year, I never really have been in a position where I am afraid of fucking up credits or anything. Not that I will be totally fucked in science. I don't know if I even need it to graduate from Perpich, but at the same time, I've never had such a hard time with school and I think it's just my own undiagnosed ADD and the fact that nobody in the system really gives a fuck, save for my accounting teacher, to ask me about my day.

I'm not even going to talk about the run around I've gotten in Anatomy for work. My teacher went from being amazing one semester, really talkative and nice; to a cold jock asshole since Christmas. I'd like to think he's just got some hardship or trouble in life, but bitching me out on two different occasions because I fail at life didn't really teach me anything. More like I just took Xanax and napped during my next period.
Things are stressful, yeah. But I manage.

The holes in my head where my teeth were are healed.




I saw Iron Man 2 the other day as well...

...


I dunno.

 
 
 
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
 
 
 
girlnamedstella
12 May 2010 @ 10:53 pm
Life is strange. I have about 3 or so weeks left here. For the first time I could care less about school ending. It's awesome and all, yes. But at the same time I feel so disconnected to everyone around me jumping up and down about breaking the 20 day mark. I dunno. I guess it's good. This year would probably have been my worst assuming I had a normal life, at least as far as company goes. I've learned to pacify myself and I've had a serious boyfriend, but at the same time, I'm so not about this place that I block it out like trauma.

I am getting new glasses, the optometrist seemed shocked I had been so very nearsighted for so long without reporting it. Alas, I found some frames I can afford (Free with Medi-cal, yuuusssss) and they are huge and ridiculous and I'm really just jazzed about getting them so I can see.

The Dentist today was crazy. The women with the X-ray was an ass, It's very clear to me now as I reach the age of adulthood how very clueless and out-of-it most adults are. I can't take most of my teachers seriously, especially my Jon Arbuckle history teacher. In any case, this women had to repeat pictures of my teeth because the piece in my mouth was too big and it hurt like a bitch to bite on. She didn't have much to say about it but I'm sure I went way over my radiation quota for the day.

The actual dentist was very nice though. He seemed very sympathetic to the fact that I really hated being there and let me rinse and wash out and complimented my patience tons and gave me Listerine when he knocked my tongue into the fluoride.



This however I am not excited for. But my curiousity has it so that I really want to keep anything they pull out. I get all of them pulled at the same time, and right before the weekend. This will also be my first getting stitches. Joy. I hope they give me something ridiculous for the pain at least. If I'm going to be out of it, I want a fucking six flags drug.

In any case. I have Disney land and work to look foreword to. Other then oral surgery I think I have a lot to look foreword to.
 
 
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
 
 
 
girlnamedstella
11 April 2010 @ 08:37 pm
Break it all down; start all over again.

This week has changed my life, more physically than anything. It's almost tiring it's so good.
I've got an exit plan and this year now has a course to take. I've never experienced so much time unplanned like that, now that it is I feel a lot less stagnant and I'm swimming with ideas.

But really, this is huge and small at the same time.

I've moved out mostly, or at least have my foot in the door. I live alone with people that buy me food, but everything else is independent. Perpich isn't going to be that huge a stretch, just the act of finally moving my chips foreword and actually doing what I want for the first time in my life will be interesting. Everything after Junior year will actually be meaningful, no more squandering away my life and stupid BS that is necessary to graduate or succeed. I'll be finally going in a direction I want.

Summer will be a lot like '08 but with a better focus. I'll be working in the morning as an art coordinator with Kitchigami, teaching kids arts and crafts and picking up their stuff. Easy, meaningful work. Some cash coming in, good times.

Of course we're left with the remainders of my life here. Mainly Alex.

It's strange how my intentions just sort of metamorphosed into something much more.

A california fling, a fun time, a great adventure.

Now we are joined at the hip, like a married couple. Perfectly appropriate for the circumstances and understanding of each others anxieties and short comings. We are physical and comfort and company.

And so, he's planning on moving in with me for the summer,

if he likes it when he comes for detour, that is;

And then he may got to MCAD or U of M when school starts up again.

I am anxious but optimistic...



But I am just trying to be thankful for what I got right now.
Because regardless of whatever dumb-fuck at school says to me, or what shitty grade I got for a genuine effort, I have this to hold onto and be happy for. My life can finally start and I can rise out of this apathetic hole I've been in for almost 2 years now.

I am more than ready.
And I know nothing inside me will get in my way.

 
 
 
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
 
 
 
girlnamedstella
25 January 2010 @ 10:25 pm


Life is just progressively stranger. 

I am trying harder and harder to make ends meet on the education side, I'm too distracted though. I shuffle through the wreckage of my room picking everything up and setting it down a foot away from it's starting position.
I'm playing monopoly with papers, gifts, and old trinkets mailed to me.

I'm applying for near every government assistance to health care to food stamps in the hopes something will finally work out.

Everything around me has a very frightening shadow. Every object calls to me with mal-intent.

And now I am going to sort them. For better or for worse.

I have x-rays.
Telling me my spine is too crooked, my position to hooked, my outlook to skewed.
Other then that it looks ok though.

Kenneth the aggressive cat came back.
I didn't learn the first time and had him up my arm in a matter of moments.
It's not the only thing I haven't learned.

I am still looking for unreal expectations.
For self-gratification.
Most of all vindication.

But In the end I realize I am only setting myself up for failure.
And absence can never be the demanding child.

There is someone at the end of my string.
Someone waiting there that will take all the love I put it and turn it into birds or something.
I am far too inadequate.
Far too elusive, and in the end I'm just the efforts of a distracted shuffle board player.



He keeps telling me I'm so important to him.
But he doesn't have any idea how to keep me here.

No one ever does.
They just want that feeling and in the end they just tell me I mean the world to them and push me out of their lives.
I'm left on that bus, that plane, that sense of guilt that I am an awful person for doing this.
For riding away with their dreams.

But they always find their feet again.

So I draw, so I write, so I throw myself into something else.
And I wonder if all my bullshit is just the horrible loneliness I feel at the end of every day.

When everyone is out building bridges and climbing ladders.

I'm just so goddamn alone I have to make up my own friends.




It starts at my chest, and moves behind my eyes...

I am always going to reach out to who's closest.
And beg.

And no matter who I find.
No matter how hard I try.

I will always be second best.
Second rate.

And always disappointed.
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girlnamedstella
31 December 2009 @ 11:15 pm
Your heart is mine Matador.

I will rewind it